What If Illegal Aliens Suddenly Vanished?

Satire by John Lillpop

What would happen if all illegal aliens in America were suddenly beamed back to Mexico in a grand act of serendipity?

Assume that America was so blessed on October 31, 2006, before the mid-term elections, AND that our borders were properly secured to keep replacement aliens from invading:


Likely positive benefits since October 31

* Approx. 3,700 Americans killed by illegal aliens, including those victimized by drunken drivers, would still be alive;

* Homeland security would be dramatically improved by removing people of unknown character and criminal history from our midst;

* Both chambers of Congress would still be controlled by Republicans, rather than in the hands of the enemy;

* Inmate population at state, local, and federal penal institutions would be about 30 percent less;

* Education would be dramatically improved because overcrowding would be eased;

* Teachers would be able to devote more time to those who belong here, rather than attending to the needs of non-English speaking aliens;

* America's health care system would no longer be burdened by millions of uninsured illegal aliens without the means to pay for their health care;

* Hospitals and medical clinics forced to close because of freeloading illegal aliens would once again be solvent;

* Those who belong in America would be able to count on receiving emergency care in a reasonable period of time, rather than being forced to wait for hours upon hours in emergency rooms overrun by illegal aliens;

* American taxpayers would save scores of billions of dollars spent on public services given to those not entitled to such services;

* Hundreds of millions of dollars wasted to print documents, signs, and notices in Spanish would be available to meet the needs of real Americans;

* With fewer cars on the road, traffic congestion would be dramatically eased, resulting in less carbon monoxide released to the environment. And that means less global warming;

* Fewer cars on the road would also mean less dependence on middle east oil;

* Most crimes being investigated in Los Angeles would not have been committed;

* ID theft would be far less of a threat to Americans;

* Welfare and food stamp fraud would be reduced significantly;

* DUI cases would drop dramatically;

* Life threatening obesity would decline as Americans would be forced to mow their own lawns, clean their own toilets, and wash their own cars;

* Fast food restaurants, the bane of healthy living, would no longer have slave labor available to prepare and serve junk food. As a result, meal costs would skyrocket; forcing Americans to feast on tofu and celery sticks instead of cheese-smothered double burgers, fries, and super jumbo milk shakes.

That, by the way, would be a good thing!

What about the negative impact, you ask?

Taking 12-30 million illegal aliens out of our economy is bound to have an effect. However, on average, most illegal aliens take more than they put back into the economy, so over time the impact would be quite positive.

Other payoffs for beaming illegal aliens back to Mexico

* Antonio Villagarosa would be picking avocados in Salinas rather than destroying the once great city of Los Angeles as it's Mayor, and

* Duyba Bush would be forced to learn proper English, rather than relying on illegal aliens to make him sound good by comparison!

That settles it: Beam them back to Mexico, Felipe!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.