The Arlen Specter School of Problem Solving and Jurisprudence

Satire By John Lillpop

Arlen Specter has always been an enigma to conservative Republicans. His views are nearly as liberal as those held by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and the senator from Pennsylvania is famous for leading the charge against programs favored by President Bush and conservatives.

Why is this man a Republican at all?

No one is certain, although it appears that Specter was under the clumsy assumption that D stood for despicable, which it does, and he chose to be repugnant, with an R.

Make that a capital R, which the contentious senator most certainly is.

When it comes to illegal immigration, Specter has always been more concerned with illegal aliens than he is about American sovereignty, rule of law, or homeland security.

For instance, Specter made the following comment about the latest immigration reform proposal that reportedly has been agreed to by the White House and key members of the U.S. Senate:

"It is not amnesty. This will restore the rule of law."

That from the mouth of the man who has served on the Senate Judiciary Committee for years, who has been a powerful figure in determining the composition of the U.S. Supreme Court, and who should know better!

How in Hades does one “restore rule of law,” by legalizing millions of people who are guilty of breaking and entering into America?

Does that not simply reward illegal behavior and encourage additional millions to cross our borders illegally, Senator Specter?

With that sort of convoluted illogic, one would expect the Arlene Specter Arlen Specter School of Problem Solving, Jurisprudence, and Ouija Boards to instruct students with examples such as these:

Problem:
Drivers are speeding through school zones, residential neighborhoods, and busy intersections.

Arlen Specter Solution:
Discontinue all speed limits.


Problem:
IRS auditors are uncovering massive levels of cheating and fraud on income tax returns.

Arlen Specter Solution:
Eliminate IRS audits.


Problem:
AIDS epidemic is spreading like wild fire in San Francisco, New York City, and Los Angeles.

Arlen Specter Solution:
Stop HIV testing in the afflicted cities.


Problem:
Armed bank robberies in broad daylight are soaring.

Arlen Specter Solution:
Leave banks and vaults unlocked and unguarded at night.

Problem:
Too many students unable to pass final exams required to graduate.

Arlen Specter Solution:
Educators have two options: Either revise downward the standards for passing, or eliminate final exams altogether.

Senator Specter’s thoughts are not completely dissimilar to those delivered by President Bush in his last State of the Union speech when Dubya stated that “too much pressure at our borders” was causing the tsunami of illegal aliens into America.

12-30 million illegal aliens are here and there is too much pressure at the border?

Bush, Democrats, and RINOs, including Arlen Specter, think that we can stop illegal aliens from crossing our borders in one of two ways:

Make illegal aliens legal. Or, eliminate the borders.

Either way, the problem is no more.

And, unfortunately, neither is America!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.


This was a production of The Coalition Against Illegal Immigration