Illegal Aliens Must Go!

America was built by Immigrants--LEGAL immigrants. Illegal aliens have no legal or moral basis for being in America. All illegal aliens must be deported and U.S. borders must be secured to prevent more invaders from coming here!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

How High the Moon? Or How High the Astronauts?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

How High the Moon? Or How High the Astronauts?

When NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arrested on a variety of charges last February, her travails appeared to be yet another example of radical liberalism gone amuck.

Although Nowak was charged with serious crimes, her motivation appeared to be romantic passion, a typical vulnerability for a feminist who might be better off pregnant, barefoot, and consigned to the kitchen, rather than trying to function as a scientist for NASA where emotional stability is vital.

As it turns out, Nowak is not entirely alone in betraying the public image of American astronauts as models of clean living and exemplary sobriety.

Indeed, the panel that was investigating the sex-mad Nowak now reports that, from time to time, other space bound heroes have been in their cups during
actual missions.

Can you imagine being tipsy while trying to operate the sophisticated gadgetry and technology need to blast six other astronauts into space? Some of whom are probably also "impaired" by a libation or ten, and thus of little value as backups!

Sounds as though NASA has an urgent need for a "designated driver" as part of it's "Looped in Space" deal

But before judging our spacey heroes too harshly, one should consider their plight. These men and women are about to be strapped inside a giant phallic symbol aimed at the Moon, Mars, or God know where, above tons of explosive rocket fuel.

At the designated moment, the rocket fuel ignites, causing the ground to rumble for miles, followed by a huge ball of fire as the ship lifts off the launch pad. Seven decent American heroes, sober and drunk, thus begin their space odyssey on behalf of the American people.

How does one prepare for that, if not with copious amounts of Vodka, Gin, and Cognac? Especially when visions from that awful Challenger tragedy in 1986 refuse to leave one's immediate consciousness without alcohol as a persuasive agent?

In the end, being "looped in space" may be the only way to deal with the entire situation.

Still, there is some good news from that NASA panel report: We now know that being drunk does not automatically mean one cannot operate a space ship!

That means that the illegal alien population, where driving while drunk is almost as common as stealing public services, may be a terrific resource for future NASA missions.

In addition, promoting the idea that illegal aliens might be used as involuntary astronauts could be invaluable in preventing further illegal immigration from Mexico, and in encouraging the millions currently here illegally to self-deport.

Picture the scene: Hundreds of would be invaders gather at a bar in Mexico City to attend a seminar organized for the purpose of providing the latest tips and information for invading America successfully.

A Homeland Security video (produced in the United States but without attribution) shows a rocket ship rocking back and forth on a launching pad as tons of rocket fuel explodes beneath the ship. As the nose of the ship soars into space, a Spanish language voice-over informs prospective invaders of the following:

"This is what happens to undocumented amigos caught in America. They are shot into space as part of the new U.S. deportation program, never to be seen again!

Avoid being shipped to outer space for eternity --stay home in Mexico!"

Heck, I will drink to that!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Canada's Coin Con

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Since 9/11, most Americans, excepting President Bush, Democrats, and RINOs, have felt a growing concern about the threat posed by our southern neighbors.

Indeed, given the Mexican government's decision to solve poverty in Mexico by moving it to the U.S., it certainly appears as though an undeclared war is being waged against America and her good citizens.

However, while all reasonable and patriotic eyes have been trained on our porous southern border, our once reliable friends to the north have taken advantage of our disaffection with Mexico in order to execute a sinister plot against the U.S. economy and well being of the American people.

I refer to Canada's Coin Con, as manifested by the scores of millions of Canadian quarters that have been dumped on unsuspecting Americans from sea to shining sea.

How can a simple coin be so unsettling to the most powerful and prosperous nation in the world?

Glad you asked, mate!

For it is an immutable fact that the Canadian government is plotting to take over the United States with it's high technology Poppy Quarter spying technology.


In addition to Canada's vicious plan to take over governance of the U.S., the infusion of the Canadian quarter into America has other dire consequences, the most grave of which is the Coin Rejection Ploy.

Who has not experienced the anger and mind-blowing frustration of being desperately in need of a cool refreshing soda, in 111-degree heat, only to discover that the next retail outlet is 50 miles removed?

The only way to get a cool one is through a quarters only machine.

You do not panic because you believe you just might have the six quarters needed to stave off death by dehydration and or heat prostration.

But time is of the essence, so you move with haste to empty your pockets of all coins, and you begin counting.

Twenty-five cents, fifty cents, seventy-five cents, one dollar, and one dollar and twenty-five cents, and Praise Be the Lord, quarter six is found!

Salvation through fear has saved the day.

You race over to the life-saving vending machine and, in prayerful thankfulness, drop each precious quarter into the machine.

Won't be long now you say to yourself, in anticipation of that first gulp of ice cold soda, which until now had always been nothing more than a recreational drink.

Soda is now a spiritual commodity.

As your mouth quivers with excitement, you drop the sixth quarter into the machine. The CLANK resounding from the coin return slot tells you that something is amiss.

Mindful of the very limited time left before you melt in public, you grab the wonky coin, clean it thoroughly, and redeposit the SOB.


Several other attempts yield the same dreary result. CLANK!

With no absolutely zero chance of surviving for more than two or three hours, you inspect the offending coin and make the jarring discovery:

It's a bloody Canadian coin!

Another American victim of the brutal and inhumane Coin Rejection Ploy, engineered by evil Canadians to put the U.S. vending machine sector out of business.
Very cunning and diabolical!

But there may be hope.

Reliable sources are reporting that President Bush has taken off his gloves and intends to personally fight the Canadian Coin Con.

Opel Bijiquiovarti, beltway insider and possible numismatist, has sent us a bootlegged copy of a top secret, confidential memo from President Bush to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Joseph Harper.

Bijiquiovarti is acting under the condition of anonymity.

The Bush March 3, 2007 memo to Stephen Joseph Harper is presented without change or revision below:

March 3, 2007

Stephen Joseph Harper, Right Most Honoruable

Yo! Harpo!

How are things in the land of Poppy and Maple Leafs, your Right Most Honoruable?

By the way, what is with than extra U? Yo! Blair! had the same problem--must be a language flaw in Britain and her subject nations?

We trust that you are finding success in your efforts to ward off those legions of commie pinkos that have infested your treasured nation. Please remember that Canada must be "commie free" in order to qualify for the North American Union (NAU) that will replace Canada, Mexico, and the United States on January 21, 2009.

I am writing today to voice my concern over a very serious situation involving the very dangerous influx of Canadian quarters into the American currency.

Until recently, this phenomena has been limited to disturbing a few knot heads stupid enough to drop a Canadian quarter into an American vending machine.

Big deal--NOT!

However, a recent event in Mexico has brought to note the serious nature of the Canadian Coin Con, as this crime against humanity is being called in Washington, D.C., and Mexico City.

The story: This afternoon, I received an urgent text message from Felipe Calderon, President of what some naively continue to call Mexico.

Felipe reported that a major scuffle had broken out in Tijuana between several hundred good hearted, hard working Mexicans who wished to migrate north without papers and a Coyote, a gentleman who would smuggle said Mexicans to safe haven within the U.S. in exchange for a reasonable payment of pesos.

Apparently all systems were go: The Mexican peasants had loaded all of their worldly goods into several Coyote vans, and the final step was for the Coyote to collect his smuggling fees.

Ranchero Dingynez, leader of the peasants, happily turned over 3,450 bags of coins to the Coyote for the trip north. Just to be on the safe side, Dingynez had arranged that very morning to convert the life savings of all the peasants into American quarters.

There was no room for error at this point.

That, Mr. Harpo, is when all Hades broke loose!

To begin with, the Coyote was pissed off at being paid with nearly 3,500 bags of coins. Good gravy, in the smuggling trade one looks to draw as little attention to one's self as possible.

Hauling 3,500 bags into a bank does not pass the "under the radar" smell test.

Then came the REAL bad news: All coins in those bags were Canadian quarters! A currency not accepted by low-life smugglers!

As a result of this Canadian coin kerfuffel, America lost several hundred mindless laborers needed to pick grapes and Avocados for $3.00 an hour, fourteen hours a day, in 120-degree heat!

Harpo, as you and I have discussed openly, I see a bright future for you in my NAU administration starting in 2009. In order to retain your favorable position, I urge you to take immediate action to keep those damn Canadian quarters out of America.

See to it!


President George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Another Bush Travesty: Ramos, Compean

By John W. Lillpop

It is tragic enough that George W. Bush has refused to act on behalf on former border patrol agents Ramos and Compean while moving at the speed of light to keep Scooter Libby out of jail.

Now insult has been added to injury by a liberal Democrat senator from California who has taken the lead on an issue that should have been addressed by the Republican president six months ago!

That liberal is Senator Diane Feinstein who, unlike our clueless president, has shown that common sense and dignity are not entirely dead in Washington D.C.

After a hearing on Ramos and Compean on July 17, Senator Feinstein asked Bush to pardon the two defenders of America.

God bless you, Senator Feinstein!

Two big questions remain for our retarded president:

Does Bush really want the borders to be secure in order to keep invaders out?

Does Bush give a damn about the fact that two former border patrol agents have had their lives ruined because they acted to defend America from invasion?

Why doesn't this foolish man just resign and spare the nation eighteen more months of grief and leadership failure?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Shut Up, Cardinal Mahony!

By John W. Lillpop

Cardinal Roger Mahony, Archbishop of Los Angeles, is "blessed" with an uncanny ability to triangulate moral decadence, spiritual fraud, and craven greed into anti-American political activism.

Even more distressing is the cardinal's gall in anointing himself as a moral and spiritual beacon, while working non-stop to protect pedophiles and perverts who serve at the will and pleasure of Beelzebub.

Hypocrisy is seldom as blatant as is the case with this meddling old man who touts himself as spiritually and morally superior, yet who has nothing but affection for 12-30 million criminals who have invaded America and who are squatting here illegally.

Being the out of touch elitist that he is, Mahony has little time or regard for those who believe in homeland security, fortified borders, rule of law, and preservation of American sovereignty, language, and culture.

Given his druthers, Mahony would legalize each and every one of the criminal invaders, and would place all of them on a fast track path to citizenship as well.

And what is the root cause behind Cardinal Mahony's blatant disregard for America, and Americans, and benevolent deference to invading criminals from the third world?

Spiritual concern for the poor and downtrodden? Compassion for new comers simply looking for a better life? Healing and unity through forgiveness and assimilation?

Actually, his hollowness and the church he represents are motivated by an unholy obsession with green--as in cold, hard cash.

That obsession intensified dramatically with the recent disclosure that the Archdiocese of Los Angeles has agreed to pay the tidy sum of $660 million dollars in order to settle sex abuse law suits filed by victims/parishioners.


Turns out that hundreds of innocent people were allegedly abused by priests whose crimes were then covered up by powerful church officials.

Which means that Cardinal Mahony and his minions will have to write a check for nearly two thirds of a billion dollars to drive away the scandals wrought by corrupt "Fathers," acting in the name of God, and their gutless and immoral leaders.

The total amount paid out by the U.S. church since 1950 is more than $2 billion, with about a quarter of that coming from the Los Angeles archdiocese.

With increasing regularity, intelligent American parishioners are leaving the church to escape the clutches of pedophiles and perverts who prey on the young and defenseless under the guise of being "men of the cloth."

As the number of American parishioners decline, illegal aliens are desperately needed to replace those departing parishioners, and to bolster the church's dwindling cash flow.

The bottom line: Cardinal Mahony's bleeding heart foolishness in support of illegal aliens is much more about cash debits and credits, than right and wrong.

But given the contemptible record of the Archdiocese of Los Angeles when it comes to morality and decency, Cardinal Mahony would be well advised to just shut up!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Time to End the Spanish Imposition

Satire By John W. Lillpop

During the Spanish Inquisition, Jews, near Jews, closet Jews, those friendly to Jews, and those suspected of being friendly to Jews were subjected to harrowing episodes of intolerance and misery unequaled in history.

Until now, that is.

We the people have been hoodwinked by a coalition of civil rights scam artists, third world freeloaders, ACLU lawyers, liberal politicians, leftist educators, confused Catholics, and Marxist librarians working 24/7 to create a United States of Babel by eradicating the English language from our land.

The technical name for this travesty is the Spanish Imposition and it is evident everywhere.

One sees and hears Spanish imposed on an unwilling public at Sears and Target stores, fast food eateries, cemeteries, libraries, outlets for dispensing social services, banks, car washes, and all other public locations were two or more illegal aliens are likely to assemble. That means everywhere!

The Spanish Imposition has found it's way to voting ballots, and the presidential campaigns. Christopher Dodd and Bill Richardson, Democrat presidential candidates without a single clue between them, even debated in Spanish just to prove that they are capable of delivering bilingual lies.

Things have gotten so crazy in Los Angeles that the Mexican national anthem is played before every game at Dodgers Stadium, otherwise known by liberals and illegal aliens as Chavez ravine.

Of course the Dodgers also play the Star Spangled Banner, provided someone remembers to remind the events coordinator. It is rumored that the Dodgers even arrange for the anthem to be performed in English on especially patriotic holidays like Memorial Day and Independence Day; however, that detail cannot be confirmed.

Those who speak English only are at a distinct disadvantage while trying to transact any of the following business in California:

( )Receive medical care at an emergency room;

( )Order a meal from a restaurant, fast food or higher end;

( )Arrange landscaping or gardening services;

( )Seek social services from a local, state, or federal agency;

( )Have one's home cleaned;

( )Get one's car washed; or

( )Attempt to communicate with garbage men, cable installers, handymen, roofers, and ICE employees.

Communications between English only and Spanish only speakers can be chaotic, confusing, and outrageously funny as the following dialogue from the 1975 British Comedy, Fawlty Towers, demonstrates.

AR is Alice Richards, an elderly English woman with an acute hearing problem and absolutely no Spanish language skills, while M is Manuel, a low-level hotel worker from Spain who speaks perfect Spanish, but whose English skills are minimal at best.

AR is trying to check in at the Fawlty Towers hotel and has been turned over to Manuel for processing.

AR: Now, I asked for a first class room with a bath and a sea view. I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation, so please make sure I have it.

M: Que?

AR: What?

M: Que?

AR: K?

M: Si!

AR: See?

M: Nodding enthusiastically.

AR: K see? K see? What are you trying to say?

M: No, no, no! Que, what!

R: K what?

M: Si! Que what!

R: CK What?

M: Yes!

Ar: Who is CK What?

M: Que?

On and on it goes. Suffice it to say, Manuel was unable to help Alice Richards and she made it to her room only after being rescued by an English speaking hotel clerk.

Although the Fawlty Towers episode is very funny, real life confrontations between English and Spanish speakers is all too serious and frustrating to both sides.

Although I firmly believe that English should be the official language of the United States, I do not agree with some of my eccentric right wing friends who would make speaking Spanish in public a felony.

As a compassionate conservative, I believe that those guilty of a first offense should be charged with a misdemeanor. However, those caught speaking Spanish a second time should be arrested on felony charges, held without bail, and deported as soon as possible!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Is America Ready For Its Second "Mexican" President?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico and shrill advocate for Old Mexico when it comes to illegal aliens, should be arrested.

The man is guilty of numerous transgressions including DWI (driving while incompetent), treason, aiding and abetting fugitives escape the grasp of the law, and most dramatically, false advertising in order to confuse, delude, and deceive American voters.

While any one of Richardson's sins should immediately disqualify him from consideration for the Democrat presidential nomination, it is his false advertising foible that has constitutional scholars and those who champion ethics and truth in politics most distressed.

As anyone who follows politics knows, Richardson has bragged that, if elected, he would become the first Mexican president in U.S. history.

However, that reckless claim is a blatant and deliberate lie, and Bill Richardson knows it.

Anyone who has paid even the slightest bit of attention to U.S. President Bush over the past six years knows that George W. Bush is the very first Mexican president in our nation's history.

Mind you, W has no Latino blood running through his dyslexic, alcoholic veins, has no family genealogy that traces his family Bush back to Old Mexico, and he speaks Spanish just slightly better than he speaks English.

Which is to say not very well at all!

Nonetheless, given his policies concerning open borders, amnesty for invading criminals, no illegal alien left behind, and other outrageous attempts to Mexicanize America, George W. Bush is truly the first Mexican president to misgovern the United States!

Albeit, Richardson has been more proactive than W in one regard: He has joined forces with the president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, in initiating programs to eradicate poverty in Mexico.

To date, that program has been limited to chauffeuring illegal aliens across the scorching desert heat in air-conditioned stretch limousines to the U.S. border and dropping said miscreants off within ten feet of the promised land.

The Calderon-Richardson scheme to end poverty in Mexico provides illegal aliens with detailed maps of Arizona, California, and Texas, including directions to the nearest ACLU branches, welfare and food stamp claim stations, and Forged ID discount centers.

Illegal aliens also receive a Spanish-language telephone directory that lists cell phone numbers and e-mail addresses for prosecutor Johnny Sutton, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, the United Nations, Amnesty International, and Eddie "PiolĂ­n" Sotelo a former illegal alien now broadcasting live from what used to be Los Angeles.

When asked why aliens are not provided with detailed maps of his home state of New Mexico, Richardson replied that budgets there are very tight right now, and that illegal aliens would surely fare much better in Arizona and California.

And what about Senor~ Jorge Bush, America's sixty-something Mexican president?

Do not count him out!

White House insiders report that Bush is working tirelessly to bring his new war czar, Douglas Lute, up to speed on "that Iraq thing," so that Bush can spend of all his waking hours on behalf of illegal aliens and his Mexican handlers.

All of which begs the crucial question of the day: How do you say legacy in Spanish?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Jamestown Settlements: Illegal Immigration Run Amuck

By John W. Lillpop

During the recent debate on illegal immigration culminating with the defeat of amnesty bill S1639, conservatives generally voiced righteous indignation at proposed legislation that would legalize 12-30 million people who entered America illegally.

How dare peasants from third world nations thumb their noses at our borders, amnesty opponents demanded? How dare illegal aliens and their allies show so little regard for American sovereignty and rule of law? How dare foreign invaders march in the streets of major American cities while displaying foreign flags and demanding "rights" to which they are not entitled?

Those who spoke out against amnesty and in favor of enforcement were railed against as bigoted racists, xenophobes, and not committed to doing what is best for America. Worse of all, those charges were leveled at conservatives by fellow Republicans, including an addled president who claims to be Republican but whose policies and actions suggest quite the opposite.

Rarely has America been confronted with an issue as emotional, gut wrenching, and divisive as illegal immigration. However, illegal immigration, and resistance thereto, actually has a rich and storied place in American history.

To begin with, on April 26,1607, three British ships, the Susan Constant, the Godspeed, and the Discovery made landfall in the New World. The settlers aboard those three ships eventually established a settlement at what is now known as Jamestown.

Those original settlers were 104 brave men and boys (there were no women), all of whom were Caucasian Europeans who later became notorious for being angry white males.

Angry white males came to the New World only to pursue a better life for themselves and their families. In fact, however, these men and boys were America's first illegal aliens.

Considering the fact that they included no women in their sea faring adventures, the original settlers were also sexist pigs, misogynists, and probably latent homosexuals. Most probably died in San Francisco bars.

Native American Indians living in the Jamestown area in 1607 included the Pembroke, Paspahegh, Nansemonds, and Powhatan tribes, among others.

Indians were blatant in their use of racial profiling and discrimination against "pale face" Europeans, and were the nation's first bigoted racists and xenophobes.

In today's world, there would be an ACLU lawyer assigned to every few teepees just to keep an eye on those racist Indians and their tendency to engage in anti-white violence.

What a story that would be--the ACLU actually working on behalf of white folks for a change!

Had American Indians been successful in preventing good hearted, hard working white settlers from squatting in Jamestown back in 1607, America as we now know it would not exist.

How might America be different?


* Bows and arrows would still be the weapons of choice. Modern nuclear devices capable of instantly reducing a city like Moscow to a heap of ashes and leaving the city uninhabitable for 15,000 years would not be available.

* Smoke signals would still be in vogue as the primary communication media, leading to a pandemic of second hand smoke deaths;

* "Diversity Sucks, Red Power Rocks!" would be inscribed on all national currency and coins;

* Tribal gambling casinos in California would be open 24/7, not subject to any taxes, and exempt from all local, state, and federal laws;

* Retail answering machines would instruct callers to punch 1 for Indian, 2 for Spanish, and 3 to make an appointment with an Indian language instructor;

* The American bald eagle would be the meat of choice on days devoted to thanksgiving, while Turkeys would be an endangered species, and

* Islamic extremists would be honored for their devotion to mayhem and murder and would be revered for advanced beheading skills so similar to Indian scalping rituals.

Of course, American Indians were unable to stop illegal immigration.

Which is why the continent is now saddled with outrageous dunderheads and situations like George W. Bush, Nancy Pelosi, the IRS, Al Gore's Internet and global warming inventions, Paris Hilton, and excessive cell phone roaming charges!

To liberals, RINOs, and others intent on promoting illegal immigration: Remember the legacy of the Jamestown settlements, the subsequent decline of Native American Indians, and the ruination of the North American continent!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Whither that $4.4 Billion for Border Security, Mr. President?

By John W. Lillpop

When the United States Senate was considering that legislative abomination known as S1639 last month, President Bush attempted to persuade senators to vote for the bill by proposing to commit an additional $4.4 billion dollars of taxpayer money to border security.

Even for a free spending politician like GW Bush, $4.4 billion is a huge sum of money. Therefore, one would assume that the president proposed spending those billions because he was convinced that U.S. homeland security and the well being of the American people were at risk because of flaws in border security.

If that is indeed the case, and if $4.4 billion is needed to secure our borders, then the fact that S1639 ultimately failed is completely irrelevant.

Either the borders are secure, or they are not. Either borders are a homeland security issue, or they are not.

If the borders are secure and not a threat to homeland security, then why in the world did Bush propose spending $4.4 billion dollars on a non-problem?

If, on the other hand, lack of border security is a legitimate threat to the American people, then why in the world is America's war on terror CEO not campaigning 24/7 for legislation and funding to fix those border flaws?

Why is securing the border not the single greatest priority on the Bush agenda these days?

Granting amnesty to 12-30 million illegal aliens will not impact border security one whit, except to encourage scores of millions of additional third-world peasants to head north. And that would only exacerbate the problem.

The big question: Where are those $4.4 billion dollars, Mr. President, and when will your administration finally take border security and rule of law seriously?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Scooter Libby Could Have Gotten a Much Better Deal!

Satire By John W.Lillpop

Within hours after a federal appeals court refused to allow Scooter to remain free pending the appeal of his perjury conviction in June of 2007, President Bush rushed forward to commute the jail sentence of the former aid to Vice President Cheney.

Although Bush kept Scooter from spending the 4th of July in the slammer, the president let stand Libby's felony conviction, the $250,000 fine, and a two-year probation period.

Most distressing, of course, is the felony conviction.

That means that, in order to vote, Scooter will have to register as a Democrat, America's "big tent" party for the deceased, those here illegally, and felons.

Howard Dean calls it "inclusive politics," however; federal and state authorities classify it as voter fraud.

Raising $250,000 should be relatively easy.

All Libby needs to do is contact a liberal publisher (aren't they ALL?) and mention that he would like to write an expose about Dick Cheney from an "insider's" perspective.

You know, reveal dirty little secrets about Cheney's wonky heart (he doesn't actually have one!). The truth about shooting that lawyer in Texas (it was NOT an accident!).

How W wanted Cheney's daughter Mary to abort her pregnancy until the president learned that the father was an illegal alien from Mexico who needed an "anchor baby" to avoid deportation!

On and on. Make the manuscript crude enough, Scooter, and you could be on the New York Times Best Seller List before summer's end.

Even better still: Announce that you are going to include a chapter or so about the personal life of W, and you might see a full blown pardon coming your way before you get around to firing up your word processor!

In reality, Scooter Libby could have avoided prison and made a small fortune if he had played his cards differently.

Next time, Scooter, follow this strategery.

To begin with, right after your conviction, change your name to Jose` Libbernandez and assume a Spanish accent. A fake ID, including Social Security number and drivers license, can be purchased directly from Ted Kennedy out of his office on Capitol Hill.

Next, scurry down to Mexico and secure a respectable amount of marijuana, cocaine, and heroine, and steal across the border into the U.S. at a location where you are most likely to be spotted by Border Patrol agents.

When spotted by Border Patrol, make a U-turn and started running back towards Mexico.

At that point, because they are racist pigs, the Border Patrol will chase you and most probably shoot you in the butt.

Do not panic: Your ship has finally come in!

After the Border Patrol has arrested you, Jose` Libbernandez, you will be allowed one call.

Use this call wisely by contacting the nearest ACLU office, and tell them you are an illegal alien who has been shot in the ass by the Border Patrol on the American side of the border.

Be sure to mention that you were shot while smuggling drugs into the U.S.

Within 10 minutes or so, an ACLU lawyer will arrive at your cell to greet and comfort you. He or she will immediately begin working on your behalf, and will text message Homeland Security guru Michael Chertoff to inform him of your plight.

Before you are actually booked, the Chertoff goons, in concert with the ACLU, will have bailed you out of jail and arrested all of the offending Border Patrol agents to take your place.

You will then be granted immunity from any and all crimes in exchange for your testimony against the criminals, those punks who until two hours ago were Border Patrol agents.

Early next morning, your ACLU lawyer will visit you in your executive suite at the finest hotel in town (paid for by the DOJ) and get you to sign documents needed to sue the former Border Patrol agents, the U.S. government, and all conservative radio talk show hosts and columnists.

Provided the ACLU can find the right leftist judge and a rigged jury, you could be rewarded for your troubles with a five million-dollar judgment!

That is nearly what you would have hauled in by selling all those drugs, Scooter!

What's that, Scooter? You are worried that you might be turned over to American authorities and prosecuted?

Forget it!

Remember, you are Jose` Libbernandez, a good hearted, hard working peasant who just came here to do work that Americans will not do! You are now part of a protected class, a man to who rule of law does not apply.

Welcome home!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Open Letter to Senator McCain

July 3, 2007

Senator John McCain
Washington, D.C.

Dear Senator McCain,

On February 3, 2007, exactly five months ago to the day, I returned your "Presidential Agenda Survey," uncompleted. I also advised you that I would not make a donation to your campaign.

I explained my refusal to support you and your campaign in the following terms:

"I was very disappointed to see that the issue of illegal immigration is very last on your list, while border security is next to last. It is as if these issues were after thoughts, included only to fill the page.

"Clearly, you do not fully appreciate the gravity of these issues, particularly to conservatives."

In the intervening five months, it appears as though more and more Americans are finding it difficult to support your candidacy. Indeed, it is now reported that your campaign is cash strapped and is cutting staff to save money.

The resounding defeat of S 1639 in the U.S. Senate on June 28 is further evidence of the fact that most Americans simply do not want to legalize 12-30 million foreign aliens who have thumbed their noses at our borders and immigration laws.

In short, amnesty for such people is wrong. Wrong for the United States, wrong for the millions of people who are following the rules and waiting in line, and wrong for the American people.

Once again, I thank you for your incredible service to America while in the armed forces. No one in American politics even comes close to matching your sterling record of dedicated military service.

At the same time, it must be recognized that the America that you fought for, and sacrificed so much to preserve, exists only because we live under the rule of law.

Your sacrifices will be meaningless if the rule of law is abandoned, as is the case until our borders and laws are not enforced!

America does NOT need immigration reform.

However, we desperately need a president and Congress who will enforce our borders and existing laws. And we need a government that will work on behalf of the American people, rather than for invading criminals.

In closing, I cannot honestly wish you good fortune in your presidential bid, given your current positions on illegal immigration.

I do you wish you good health and success in the career of your choice, provided it does not involve America's borders or immigration laws.

Should you unexpectedly alter you views, I would be delighted to re-consider your candidacy, complete that Presidential Agenda Survey," and perhaps even make a donation!


John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Democrat Presidential Hopefuls Still Do Not "Get it" on Amnesty

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Most people understand that liberals are slow learners, probably because of birth defects that cause them to live in constant denial, self-delusion, and deceit.

But even wonky DNA and flawed genetics can not explain some of the wretched excesses that are consuming liberal candidates for the presidency these days.

Example: Just two days after the American people kicked the president and U.S. Senate in the teeth over a proposed amnesty scheme, all of the Democrat presidential candidates vowed to push through legislation that would defy the will of the people and legalize illegal aliens and gift them with a path to citizenship.


The following comment from Barack Obama is particularly revealing:

"As president, I will sign comprehensive immigration reform. I want my daughters to be raised in a community in which all people, and not just some, are considered part of the American dream."

By ALL, we assume that the senator from Illinois means 12-30 million criminal invaders, including rapists, murderers, bank robbers, terrorists, drug and human smugglers, drunk drivers, and all other felons likely to vote a straight Democrat ticket for the next 50 years!

Or, even worse, did Obama mean ALL six billion people on the planet?

But fret not, American patriots. Science is working full time on a cure for liberalism.

Ultrasound technology now used to determine the gender of an unborn fetus may soon be sophisticated enough to alert public health officials when a fetus is infested with the defect that causes liberalism.

Armed with such knowledge, medical science will then be able to administer vaccines, antibiotics, and other treatments to prevent newborn children from degenerating into full-blown liberals.

Until that happy day arrives, we must all remain diligent and do our damnedest to prevent liberals from being elected to any position of authority involving local, state, and federal governments, national security, money, education at all levels, infrastructure, law and order, terrorism, marriage, children, food, automobiles, Christmas, Easter, organized religion, television, the Internet, the U.S. military, foreign relations, the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights, illegal aliens, and the starting pitching for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

It would also help to keep known liberals confined to their own neighborhoods so as to prevent cross breeding with normal people.

Such cross breeding could, if uncontrolled, lead to a pandemic of affirmative action, gay rights, diversity workshops, abortions on demand, higher taxes, addiction to global warming, ungodly fairness doctrines, open borders, and other human calamities.